


Is It Strange?

by Pooks79



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-22
Updated: 2013-07-22
Packaged: 2017-12-20 23:19:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/893063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pooks79/pseuds/Pooks79
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So the emotional muse has struck again with this little piece. I often wondered what would happen if on her wedding Bella realized Edward wasn’t the one. What if she returned back to La Push but didn’t make her presence known because she thought it would make Jake move on with his life.  Well this little number is how I would have envisioned it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is It Strange?

BPOV

Is it strange that when I think of you my body pulsates and throbs with need? Is strange that when I hear your voice my body quivers and my fingertips go numb with the thought of feeling your hot flesh beneath me? Is it strange then when I hear the rolling thunder of the impending storm I think of how your chest muscles flex when our bodies are intertwined with one another’s?

I often wonder if my obsession with you is healthy. I see you each day and each day I fight my own urges to reclaim you as my own. I know what I did was stupid, childish and borderline psychotic but could you still love me knowing I choose ice over fire. You promised me you would love me until my heart stopped beating and since that never came to pass do you still in fact love me?

I ponder these thoughts as I watch you live out your life unaware I’m here, alive and aching to be within the warmth of your sun. I relive our moment that night in the tent every day since my departure and wonder if it’s strange to crave your warmth as much as I do. 

I returned shortly after my honeymoon unannounced and surprisingly still alive yet dying inside. I was married no more than a day when it became clear to me that you were the natural choice. My once true love willingly let me go knowing he was no longer the keeper of my heart nor the man I truly wished was lying beneath me in a heated sweat of passion. He understood that my mind was both fickle and indecisive. He offered nothing but numerous apologizes for placing me on a pedestal he knew was shaky from the very beginning. We parted ways on good terms but that didn’t stop my heart from aching even on a small scale from the loss of him but I knew that was just my body’s withdrawal from the illusion of love I had created when I met him. 

I firmly believe I’ve become a byproduct of my environment. The man I thought I loved lured within the shadows, protecting me as he so eloquently put it until I made it unbearable for him to hide from me any longer. His thirst for my blood was overwhelming yet he continued to tempt fate by allowing us to be together merely because I wished it. Somehow through his practices I’ve become somewhat like him.

I’ve become your shadow, stalker and distance lover which remains unbeknownst to you. That’s what Edward was to me. He looked but never touched, touched but never tasted, tasted and loved but from afar. In essence I’ve become the female version of a vampire in love but without the thirst for blood or the ability to retain my youth.  
I keep myself in secret because I couldn’t bear the thought of ruining what you seemingly worked so hard to build. The pain of my dismissal of your feelings for me spoke volumes by the look of hurt and disgust written all over your face. The pinch in my heart told me I was wrong but still I continued to hurt you so I thought it best that when I returned home, that I keep my presence a secret because you deserved someone better than me.

As unselfish as that sounds and as much as I deny the truth, it is what it is, so I sit here and wait, wait to live, wait to die or wait for an absolution I’m sure will never come. My only solace is that you are happy and it’s because I’m gone.

I could sit here and deliberate this notion till I’m blue in the face but that will never change what I’ve done. I don’t wish to tear open that healing wound in your heart for my own selfish reasons even though I fight my aching muscles to do so. 

I can’t fight the hunger that festers deep within me. I hunger for your warm touch, the soft texture of your lips on mine and the careless whispers of your love for me and only me. I lurk deep within the shadows and am slightly surprised that your keen sense of smell hasn’t detected my presence. I’m somewhat thankful of this but slightly dishearten just the same. I know I'm a coward to think that maybe one day we might fall upon each other but sometimes I hope it might be that simple.

I’ve stayed out of your gravitational pull for nearly a year and I’ve watched you fall in love time and time again with it only to meet a disastrous end. I wonder if I’m the reason for your inability to love. Was it I who jaded you or is it that you still hold the belief I will return? It kills me to watch you live such a lonely life but I know with time, your wounds will continue to heal. I can only wish the same for myself but I know time will only continue to torture me. Days seem to melt into one another and although I see you, smell you and hunger for you, I know you're unattainable. 

The torture I endure is of my own doing. I barely sleep, eat or rest for fear that if I lose sight of you I’m not sure what I would do. I live in the memory of you and just watching you live out your life is all the satisfaction I need. 

The fury of winter burns my skin and causes me to quiver and long for your warmth. I hide beneath the tall timbers of the forest just outside your house hoping I will catch my daily glimpse of your magnificent form. You are truly a sight, your body filling out so nicely which is compliment by your tall stature and short haircut. 

My heart starts to skip as my lips quiver from the brutal cold that surrounds me. I force my body to maintain its huddled stance for only a few moments more because I know with time you will immerge. A deafening howl parades my ears and I know your brothers are near. I turn to my left and watch as your three kin appear from behind the trees and shift back into their naked human form. A smile slowly pulls at my face as you run out of your house to greet them. I stay for only a few moments to get my fix and then retreat back to the place I once called home.

The house is so empty and mirrors what I feel in my heart. I live my life in secret from everyone I’ve ever loved because to them I’m already dead. I don’t wish to bring any more hurt onto them so I willfully take it upon myself. I never realized how cold and empty a home could be until even the people who claim to have no souls or life left in their bodies no longer reside. 

The Cullen’s offered their house to me knowing I would one day return without them. I guess they already knew my choice before even I had a chance to make it. I walk up the two flights of stairs and take refuge in the familiar room that once was the home of many happy memories. The faint scent of his cologne continues to linger and yet it offers no reprieve for my aching heart. My body thirsted for a scent unlike any other. It was a mixture of cedar, pine and a hint of fresh sunshine. 

I slide between the cold sheets of the bed and allowed the tears to fall as they had since my return. My trembling body rocks me to sleep where I hope to find you within the cloudy realm of my dreams. 

Just as the image of you appears to me it is quickly smoked away as I feel the heat of your breath on my exposed skin. I fight my eyes from opening in fear you are an apparition or a figment of my imagination playing tricks on me. You never once alluded to the fact that you detected my presence so there was never any room for concern before this moment however, here you were.

My name falls from your lips, the intensity and pain as the syllables echo though my ears chills me to the bone in both fear and joy. I feel your firm grasp on my exposed skin forcing me to turn onto my back and face you. I’ve yearned for this moment for such a long time yet I fear it more than anything.

Your strength overpowers me and I fall onto my back. My eyes lids open slowly reminding me of the anticipation I used to feel when I sat at a theatre and watched the curtains rise at the start of a performance. The heat of your anger burned my chest as you held your body above mine, your eyes searching mine for the meaning of my return. Your nostrils continued to flare as you breathed in my scent and realized I wasn’t what you thought I would or should be. Your intense gaze weakened a little as your mind pondered with this realization. 

My hands that lied on either side of my body pulled at the sheets beneath me in an effort to suppress the urge to reach up and touch your skin. After an intense moment, your head turns to the side and a pinch of rejection stings my heart. I wondered if you were upset that I was still human or that I’d kept my presence a secret this long?

My lips part and before I can usher any form of explanation, your teeth grind together and the pain seeps through as you hiss “Don’t”. The power behind this word shatters my resolve and causes my eyes to erupt into streams of endless tears. I know I owe you more than the stupid explanation or reasoning I had planned but a small part of me hoped you might still hold a small place for me in your heart. 

You’d always been such a warm person and I hated to think my bad judgment caused you to be so rigid and cold towards me and everyone else you cared for. My body trembled beneath you, my mind scattered with thoughts of what could happen and then, with no surprise, you broke the silence again except this time, my breast was met not only with you heated response but your lonely tear as well “Why?”

I knew it would come to this but as much as I had thought about having this conversation, I never imagined it would bring with it such intensity. I had my reasons, they were stupid, childish and idiotic but they were reasons why I chose ice over fire but ultimately did it really matter? Was it strange to think that in the grand scheme of things it didn’t matter why I did what I did but that I realized my mistake and against better my own judgment, allowed you to live a normal life without me? Was it strange I wished for your happiness over my own? Isn’t that what real friends and true lovers only wish for?

I bit down on my quivering lip allowing the response to whisper through my clenched teeth hoping it might ease your mind with its submissive tone “Because I wanted you to be happy”.

Your eyes scrunch together as if what I whispered confused you. Before I could elaborate further, you pull up and rest just at the edge of the bed, your head heavy between your shoulders as your hands run feverishly through your hair and pull tightly at the ends in obvious frustration. I nervously rise up and crawl down to meet you but you are quick to notice my attempt and fall upon the floor in front of you. Your abrupt response causes me to freeze in place like a cat startled by the emergence of a dog.

My arms pulsate and shake threatening to release their hold of my body and force me onto the bed beneath. I curse under my breath at the fear that threatens me at this pivotal moment when what I need to be is strong. It was through determination laced with guilt that I stayed away but it had to be those same emotions that should force me to be strong and face my fate whether it is good or bad.

“It’s all I ever wanted” I whispered hoping maybe the words would help engage you back into this much needed conversation but alas, you seem unfazed by my efforts and even more frustrated than before. 

The vibrations of the bed beneath me scare me a bit as your wolf threatens to break free and tear me to pieces. I know this action should come as no surprise but yet and still I feared what I couldn’t control and right now, I couldn’t control my guilt nor your pain and that tore me apart from the inside out.

The silence was like a sharp knife pinching at my skin, slowly breaking away the tough muscle in an effort to sever my heart. I pulled back and rested against the headboard of the bed, the cold sheets wrapped around my body as I wait for your justice fury to fall upon me. 

After what seems like an eternity, you finally rise from the floor and turn towards me. The anger seemingly has left you yet the fury of your scorned heart still resides and you find reprieve in the fact that I now fear you. For a second I wished that what I had envisioned would happen to me would come to pass. I knew there would be moments of heated debate and an onslaught of tears and heartache but at the end of this massive storm known as regret and hatred, I always saw a silver lining in which we ended up in the land of forgiveness and new beginnings.

I watched as you turned your back on me and walked away. My arm instinctually reached out as if they were long enough to reach you and pull you back into my gravitational pull. I couldn’t stand to see you walk away, not after we had finally reconnected. I fought my minds urge to say the one thing I swore not to say if ever this should end badly but I was desperate, “I love you Jake. Please just…don’t leave me”.

Your response comes in the form of a whisper that if I wasn’t listening so intently I might have missed “Why when it was so easy for you to do?” 

The burning sensation of anger bubbles up in my veins and causes the fine hairs on my arms to stand up on end. I knew I had no right to be angry but yet I felt it more than anything else. I tried to settle myself enough to answer with more honesty and truth than anger and hostility. 

“It was never easy but sometimes we do things we shouldn’t and although we wish we could change them we can’t. I know you hate me Jake and I don’t blame you. I just wish…” the rest of the sentence lost to the uncontrollable sobs that overshadowed my mind and body at the realization of how much I truly burned him overtook me.

I knew what I did was wrong. I’ve been living with the regret of my childhood mistake for over a year since it happened. Jake didn’t make me love Edward and in all honestly, I wasn’t in love with Edward. I was in love with the idea of a happily ever after that would never happen. I was lost in a field of wishful dreams and endless promises and in the end, I found myself with more regret than anything else. 

“I love you Bella. I loved you more than anyone and you turned your back on me. You told me that no matter what you would never leave me and I believed you. I believed in the love that we had and all it has brought me is pain. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to love anymore and if that means I have to say goodbye then so be it.” You replied as your hand hesitantly extended towards the door knob.

I had a bad habit of reading too much into the simplest of things but in that moment, I could sense you didn’t really want to leave nor did I want you too. I did the only thing I could think of that might bide me enough time to convince you I was worth the effort. I moved off the bed and made my way towards you. Your hand remained on the knob clenching it firmly within your large hands but never moving it more than an inch either way. 

I wedged myself between the you and the door, my hand resting on your heated chest as the small droplets fell from your eyes and ran slowly down the top of my hand. “I never meant to heart you Jake. I was just lost in an illusion of grandeur and couldn’t find my way out. I thought I loved him but the moment he went to touch me I realized it wasn’t his touch I yearned for but yours. I can’t take back what I’ve done and I understand if you don’t want to ever see me. I wish this…” I whispered as I moved my hand up towards his racing heart “was mine again.”

“It always has been” you reply and for the first time since our reintroductions I can sense hope. I try not to bask to long in its alluring tone but I can’t help but feel it’s a possibility. 

“I can’t undo what I’ve done but if you’ll let me, I’d like to try and make this right. Just please…don’t leave” I plea. 

A deep sigh escapes your lips as you take one step closer, pulling my sunken head into your chest with your strong loving arms. My body relaxes into your touch and for a second my mind, body and soul find peace. I can’t help the tears that follow on the tails of my desire to stay within your warmth forever. I fear this moment will be just as fleeting as the next so I scoop my arms under yours and hug you back with the same intensity and longing as I can muster.

Your demands are simple as you lay them out onto my accepting ears “If you do love me. You will love only me and this time you will stay. Say you will stay with me Bells. Not just now but always”

I fall apart in your arms, reading between the lines of your words and knowing with my acceptance of your demands I will once again bask in the glory of my sun. “Always” I whisper into the crook of your neck and before long, there are no more words, just action. 

You pull me away and before I can second guess your intentions they are made known by the power of your lips. You demand my affection and I willingly submit to your desire because your happiness is all I’ve ever wanted. I give in to you mind, body and soul because I know once you submit to the will of your imprint you are bound for life. 

I knew you imprinted on me the day you fought for my life and the day you took me into a heated kiss on top of the mountain. I denied you your destiny because I knew you deserved better and I was too clouded to see past the alluring talents of Edward. Now that the cloud had been lifted and the sun reemerged into my life I knew where my rightful place was. I was born to be with you and tonight our fates would be sealed in the one way I could show you how much I loved you. Tonight I would give you the only thing a woman could give a man, my heart and my virtue and in return you would be forever imprinted on my heart.


End file.
